Comic Relief: Job-Seeking Humor – Volume 5

April 7, 2011 at 9:24 am 6 comments

It’s been a while since my last “Comic Relief” posting … so I think it’s about time I took another break from my usual “advice for job-seekers” mission to offer up this 5th blog of pure job-seeking humor! [See “Volume 1”, “Volume 2”, Volume 3” and “Volume 4” for the last four editions of this popular side-trip!]

I should say here that after my last humor blog posting, I received a few negative comments from some disgruntled, and obviously frustrated job-seekers who suggested that posting this type of job-seeking humor is inappropriate. They basically said that it is wrong to laugh at the plight of people who are suffering in a bad situation. Well, as a former comedian myself, I say — too bad! Throughout history, most of the best comedy flirts with inappropriateness, and walks that fine line between laughter and discomfort. And, for every person who thinks this stuff is NOT funny, there seem to be a huge number of others who appreciate it and thank me for lightening up their day! So I say, if you can’t take a joke … well, you know how the rest of that phrase goes!

Once again, I’ll point out that I fully realize that being unemployed is generally not a laughing matter. However, much like “gallows humor,” the intention of “job-seeking humor” is quite simple: to lift the spirits of people who are in an otherwise depressing situation. I’m a firm believer that maintaining a sense of humor is a key component to positive mental health. And I’m a still a tough critic when it comes to job-seeking humor. I figure, if it makes me laugh out loud, it’s worth sharing here!

—————————————————————————————————————-

In the category of Videos, the following clip is called “Unemployee Orientation.” There are certainly no shortage of videos and songs on YouTube about unemployment … but this one really stood out for me. It’s pretty much self-explanatory. And even though I officially disavow any of the ideas presented in this video — it did make me laugh out loud several times!


—————————————————————————————————————-

In the category of Cartoons, here are some more miscellaneous funnies that I couldn’t fit into any other blog articles, but I think are hilarious nevertheless … and deserve to be shared here:

—————————————————————————————————————-

Finally, in the category of Job-Posting Humor, here’s a list of common terms often seen in the text of online job postings, and their “real” meanings:

Key to Job Description Terms:

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no way in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won’t answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible and a co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE X-Y
We’ll offer you X to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON
If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you’re fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
We loooooove brown nosers.

Advertisements

Entry filed under: Advice for Job Seekers. Tags: , , .

Overcoming Job-Search Obstacles and Redefining Your Career After 50 Skype Interview Tips … Welcome to the Future!

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Suzanne Benet  |  April 7, 2011 at 9:58 am

    These are truly funny and some are actually true! Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  • 2. shebamarx  |  April 7, 2011 at 11:52 am

    We’ve got to laugh at our situation to get through it. Love the video. I’ve been an un-employee for 17 months now and find Good Things about Unemployment at http://unemployedmarx.blogspot.com

    Reply
  • 3. Cheryl Howard  |  April 7, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Laughed all the way through this. When I got my third layoff notice (yes, third), I realized I could cry or I could laugh. Had a one-week pity party, then welcomed laughter back into my life. Laughing is far more fun.

    Reply
  • 4. Galina S.  |  April 10, 2011 at 12:45 am

    You’ve made my day, thanks! I like “unemployment orientation video” and comments about job advertisement terms.

    Reply
  • 5. Jean Pilotte  |  April 10, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Jokes? This post is a documentary.

    Reply
  • 6. Gary S  |  April 17, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    I’m a little behind w/my reading, but found this to be fun, Mike! Glad I didn’t just click “delete” in my haste to dig-out! Thanks, Mike!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


Michael Spiro

About the Author:

Michael Spiro has been a 3rd-Party Recruiter and Account Executive for over 15 years. He is currently the Director of Recruiting / NE Ohio Region for Experis Finance, a dedicated business unit of ManpowerGroup. Other recent positions include President of Midas Recruiting, a boutique head-hunting firm, Director of Talent at Patina Solutions, and Executive Recruiting positions with two of the largest search firms in North America. Before his career in the staffing industry, Michael was a manager in a large non-profit social-services organization. And in a former life, Michael was active in the entertainment industry, with extensive road-warrior experience as a touring performer (singer-songwriter / guitarist / comedian) and as a recording artist, producer and booking agent.  [More...]

Index (by Topic):

Résumés & Cover Letters:
 The "T" Cover Letter - The
         Only Type Worth Sending

 The Brutal Truth on How
         Résumés Get Eliminated

 Explaining Short Job Stints
         and Employment Gaps

 The Résumé Test &
         Checklist: Does Yours
         Pass?

 Beating the Résumé-
         Elimination Game: Where
         Do Recruiters' Eyes Go?

 The Truth About Lying on
         Résumés

Networking:
 How to Network: A
         Step-by-Step Guide for
         Job Searching

 Looking for Networking in
         All the Wrong Places

 Targeted Networking: How
         to Effectively Reach Out

 The Art of Giving: the Key to
         Effective Networking

Interviewing:
 Face-to-Face Interviews:
         Secrets, Tricks and Tips

 Phone Interviews: Secrets,
         Tricks and Tips

 Skype Interview Tips ...
         Welcome to the Future!

 Nuggets: A Secret
         Interviewing Technique

 Answering the Dreaded
         Salary Question

 20 Surefire Ways to Blow
         an Interview

 "So, Do You Have Any
         Questions?" Nailing the
         Interview Closer

 Cool InfoGraphic: "What
         You Wish You'd Known
         Before Your Job
         Interview"

Age Discrimination:
 Age Discrimination: Secret
         Conversations Revealed

 Age Discrimination:
         Exposing Inconvenient
         Truths

 Are You "Overqualified?"
         Handling the Age Issue

 Baby Boomers to the
         Rescue! An Idea Whose
         Time Has Come ...

 Overcoming Job-Search
         Obstacles and
         Redefining Your Career
         After 50

 Advice for Recent Grads
         and Career-Changers

Switching Jobs:
 The Proper Way to
         Quit a Job

 Counteroffers: Just Say No!

General Job-Seeking Info:
 The Real Truth About
         Working with Recruiters

 Contract/Consulting Jobs
         Explained ... Available in
         3 Different Flavors

►  What Recruiters Say
         vs. What Job-Seekers
         Hear

►  The Dirty Truth About
         Misleading Unemployment
         Statistics

►  Let the Jobs Find You:
         Making Yourself More
         "Searchable"

 "Help ... I Need a Job!" A
         9-Step Guide for Newly
         Minted Job-Seekers

 Avoiding the "Black Hole
         of HR"

 Is Your Elevator Pitch
         Taking You UP
         or DOWN?

 Time Management: Recipe          for a Well-Balanced Job          Search
 Getting Un-Stuck from your
         Rut!

 The Double-Whammy of
         Rejection and Isolation

 "Unemployed Need Not
         Apply" - Working Around
         This Scary Message

 Using Social Media to
         Enhance Job-Searching

 Warning: That Rant You
         Posted Just Went Viral!

 The Golden Rule for
         Business: Never Burn
         Bridges

 The Power of a Positive
         Attitude

 Why Job Hunting is a
         Consultative Sales
         Position

 Top 10 Most Helpful Things
         for Job Seekers

 Top 10 Most Annoying
         Things for Job Seekers

 New Year's Resolutions for
         Unemployed Job-
         Seekers

Job-Seeking Humor:
 Comic Relief: Volume 1
 Comic Relief: Volume 2
 Comic Relief: Volume 3
 Comic Relief: Volume 4
 Comic Relief: Volume 5
 Comic Relief: Volume 6
 "In Transition" and Other
         Awkward Euphemisms

 Candidates Gone Wild:
         Recruiter Horror Stories

Share This Blog:

Click the button below to share “Recruiter Musings” on any of nearly 300 social media sites:

Share this blog with any of your favorite Social Networks, email or bookmark it.

Enter your email address below to subscribe to “Recruiter Musings” and receive notifications of new blog posts by email.

Join 860 other followers

Job Opportunities:

Click either of the logos below to see job opportunities listed through the author’s companies, Experis or Midas Recruiting:

***********************************************

Blog Visitor Count:

  • 990,920 hits