Comic Relief: Job-Seeking Humor - Volume 5

It’s been a while since my last “Comic Relief” posting … so I think it’s about time I took another break from my usual “advice for job-seekers” mission to offer up this 5th blog of pure job-seeking humor! [See “Volume 1”, “Volume 2”, Volume 3” and “Volume 4” for the last four editions of this popular side-trip!]

I should say here that after my last humor blog posting, I received a few negative comments from some disgruntled, and obviously frustrated job-seekers who suggested that posting this type of job-seeking humor is inappropriate. They basically said that it is wrong to laugh at the plight of people who are suffering in a bad situation. Well, as a former comedian myself, I say — too bad! Throughout history, most of the best comedy flirts with inappropriateness, and walks that fine line between laughter and discomfort. And, for every person who thinks this stuff is NOT funny, there seem to be a huge number of others who appreciate it and thank me for lightening up their day! So I say, if you can’t take a joke … well, you know how the rest of that phrase goes!

Once again, I’ll point out that I fully realize that being unemployed is generally not a laughing matter. However, much like “gallows humor,” the intention of “job-seeking humor” is quite simple: to lift the spirits of people who are in an otherwise depressing situation. I’m a firm believer that maintaining a sense of humor is a key component to positive mental health. And I’m a still a tough critic when it comes to job-seeking humor. I figure, if it makes me laugh out loud, it’s worth sharing here!

In the category of Videos, the following clip is called “Unemployee Orientation.” There are certainly no shortage of videos and songs on YouTube about unemployment … but this one really stood out for me. It’s pretty much self-explanatory. And even though I officially disavow any of the ideas presented in this video — it did make me laugh out loud several times!

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In the category of Cartoons, here are some more miscellaneous funnies that I couldn’t fit into any other blog articles, but I think are hilarious nevertheless … and deserve to be shared here:

Finally, in the category of Job-Posting Humor, here’s a list of common terms often seen in the text of online job postings, and their “real” meanings:

Key to Job Description Terms:

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
You’ll be making under minimum wage an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
We want you to get your hopes up, but there’s no way in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED
Management won’t answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible and a co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
After three years, we’ll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we’ll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
. . . who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
Your co-workers will be insulted if you don’t drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE X-Y
We’ll offer you X to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
You’ll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON
If you’re old, fat, or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
You whine, you’re fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
We loooooove brown nosers.

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